i love doing the challenge and everything, but sometimes...a girl just needs to blog without a prompt. things have been ridiculous in my house lately. and by lately, i actually mean the last 4 years or so. me and jeff just can't get along. we are always, always at each other's throats. it's exhausting. i hold grudges. he holds grudges. neither of us know how to let shit go. we'd rather watch it ruin our relationship..day by day. i don't get it. i'd be lying if i said i'm ready to just call it quits. i'm not. i love him. always have. and always will. he's the father of my child. and no, that's not the only reason i love him and want this to work. i want this to work because even though he drives me batshit crazy most days, i couldn't imagine anyone else driving me there. i want this to work because for every bad time, there has been a hundred good times (they are usually forgotten about and overshadowed by all the bullshit - but they are there). i want this to work because at the end of every day, despite everything, i can honestly with my whole heart say i love him. i've never felt this with anyone before him. that's how i know it's real. not gonna lie - i go through days where i think to myself: am i just settling? am i just with him because i'm just "used" to it now? am i just oblivious to everything? but no matter how often i rattle my brain with those questions...the truth is still there. the truth is that he has my heart. the truth is that i want this to work so damn bad. the truth is that i know i have been far from perfect in our relationship. the truth is that i am terribly sorry for the things i have done. but the truth really is...i'm tired of him harboring about it. i don't harbor on the crap that he does that bothers me. or the things that he had lied to me about way in the past. why harbor on things that are done? things that can't be changed - no matter how often you think about them, talk about them, or re-live them in your mind? i just don't get it. i pray every day that he will want this to work just as bad as i do. that he sees the worth in me. that he sees that i am not a bad person. that i love him. with all of my heart. even the millions of broken pieces.
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